A little bit of a back story.
My life changed in that moment (1 minute) I walked from the bathroom to the top of the stairs in our house. I looked at the pregnancy test and it said 3+ weeks pregnant. I was in complete and utter shock! I was petrified! I was excited! I was over the moon! I was feeling all sorts of emotions. Once the initial shock had kicked in and I (and Ben) had the night to get it into our head that there was a baby growing inside me, it really started to make me anxious. It was a huge shock, that meant I was heading into the unknown world of parenthood, and after talking online with a therapist over the last few months, we got to the route of why it scared me so much. It was my anxiety and the way my mind interpreted the changes in my life that led me into the unknown.
Well a little further back now.
I have suffered with a mental health problem, anxiety, since 2013, when I had a bleed on the brain, causing me to have major neurosurgery. For me to go through that and have my life turned upside down at that time, by the AVM bursting causing a bleed, freaked me out and I started becoming a very anxious person. I was already someone who was scared and unsettled around hospitals and was not able to stay calm in situations involving them, involving needles and involving anaesthetic.
Anyway, back to now, and the real reason for me sharing this with you.
I want other women out there (and men) to know that becoming a parent is definitely a scary thought as your life literally changes forever as you enter the unknown life of becoming a parent. I want you to know that it does get easier as the days go by. You have to take each day as it comes, and whatever it throws at you, take with a pinch of salt, and start over.
As a parent, don't let one little thing ruin your day!
Well I have had a few mental breakdowns, but I am getting a lot better at managing my mind using CBT techniques.
My story....
Pregnancy
During pregnancy, I did not think I could carry on when 16 weeks hit. I had 1 month until we found out if we were having a boy or a girl and my morning sickness was severe. I suffered with hyperemesis gravidarum, which is the medical term for, throwing-your-guts-up-twenty-four-hours-a-day-even-though-you-haven't-eaten-anything-the-whole-day-as-the-smell-of-everything-disgusts-you. I was at the point where I was being sick and saying to Ben, "I can't do this" - "I can't handle pregnancy if this is what it is doing to me" - "Get this baby out of me now!" I ended up being hospitalised as I was very low on fluids and because I hadn't eaten much at all my nutrition levels were low, as I wasn't able to keep any food or drink down. When I left there, I felt SOOOO much happier and healthier. That was all my body needed. Fluids and great hydration. It was then I realised over the next few months, I can do this, I can be a mum. I can do anything (well almost) if I set my mind to it.
Labour & Birth
This is where my real panic set in. As the months turned into weeks then into days, I was really feeling anxious. Anything that made me even think about going into labour, instantly made me think all about what the pain could be. I was asking myself, would I need pain relief? Would I need a C-Section? What happened if I didn't make it to the hospital? All sorts of thoughts made me extremely unsettled and I was having anxiety and panic attacks at any time, most without any warning. This is when family and friends really could see how bad the anxiety was and how it affected me. I was scared to let them in and see that side of me, but for my own benefit I had to.
The two nights I spent in hospital after the birth, the first alone with the baby, the second my mum stayed (I will go into that why a little later), were a true test of my mental and emotional strength. I was facing my fears of being in a hospital alone (well with baby) and the fear of not knowing what to do with a new born baby. There isn't a manual given to you when you pop out the little human inside you. You have to rely on your instincts and let me tell you. My instincts as a mother surely kicked in. I may have not realised it at the time, but damn they did. Yes, I was fed up of the babies crying on my ward constantly, struggling to look after my son with lack of sleep, half hour the first night I think, but I had a love for my son and for myself that I never had before. I realised that I CAN DO THIS! I can overcome anxiety. Look at me. I am stronger than I ever have been. Like come on, I kept a baby alive on my own (midwifes on hand if needed). It hit me. I am stronger than I ever thought.
AND SO ARE YOU !!
"Being a mother is discovering, strengths, you didn't know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed"
- Linda Wooten
- Linda Wooten
Here is what you can do to overcome new mum anxiety and help you realise that you are stronger than you ever thought you could be.
Remember L.I.F.E.
Being a parent is all about learning as you go. Understand you wont always get everything right the first time. Just keep trying and eventually you will work out what works for you and your baby. Its not always about getting things right straight away. These things take time. You should know, its just taken 9 months to grow your baby, so it will take time for you to learn how to be a parent. Remember in your child's eyes your the perfect parent to them, it doesn't matter what anyone else may think.
Instinct
Trust me with this one. Trust your instincts too. If you think your baby needs a certain thing then give them that. If you don't then don't do it. You are the best at knowing what your little baby needs. Motherly instincts are actually a real thing, believe me. Take the advice from medical professionals, family and friends and listen and try it see if it helps, but it wont always. I am weaning my little boy at 5 months old, even though the NHS UK recommendation is 6 months, but I can see by my baby that he is ready, as he is interested in our food, watching every single mouthful and able to support his head well enough to swallow. Trust your instincts.
Fear
Try not to have the "what if" thoughts in your head or set into panic mode when something seems to be going wrong. You will know what is right, so try and rationalise those thoughts of "what if the baby does a poo explosion all over the carpet, while I am in the kitchen and then decides to put their hands in it! to something like, if that ever does happen (hasn't happened so far to me) that you stay CALM as if not the baby can sense that you are stressed and the whole situation gets worse. I will also be talking about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) later this month which may help you too.
Everyone
Your not alone! Family, friends, midwives, health visitors, doctors and other people in your life and the life of your child's are all there to help. Use that as a support network and open up to them about how you are feeling. If you are struggling, let them know. Yes it is a scary thought admitting that you are struggling, but you are not alone. No mother ever is. There is always someone there. Our little boy has brought our families a lot closer than we have ever been, even before he was here, which made me feel like I was able to open up to more people about how I was feeling mentally and what it was doing to me emotionally. Build your support network around those who love you and your child!
Please let me know if you are struggling as a mum or if anything that I have mentioned in this post has affected you in anyway. Remember L.I.F.E. and know you can do this. You are a strong person, and if I can do it, surely you can too!
Love,
Kelley-Jay Louise M
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